I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
