wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
