It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Im part way to drunk.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
