Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
