I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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