I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
