Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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