guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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