Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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