I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
