i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
