Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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