yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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