DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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