The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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