He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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