i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
