Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
