If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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