haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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