running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
