Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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