I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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