I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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