So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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