im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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