what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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