I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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