Your face is a jimmy john
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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