Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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