Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
