she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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