I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
