Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
