So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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