im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
