My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
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