I'm gonna have a badass scar
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
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