Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
