Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
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