cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
It's Friday. Sex?
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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