Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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