saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
