I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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