last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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