I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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