I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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