I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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