I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
