i'm lost and i look like a hooker
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
