just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
