I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
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